As an Adolescent Sociologist, I am suggesting that parents and the courts understand the process that leads to Parental Alienation. I will begin by defining parental alienation (PA), as any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent.
In effect, the child has been successfully brainwashed by, and for the purpose of, alienating the other parent from a relationship. The motivation for the alienating parent has both a conscious as well as "a subconscious or unconscious" component. The children themselves may have motivations that will make the alienation worse. Their hedonistic outlook for immediate gratification or their desire to avoid discomfort makes them vulnerable allies for siding with the alienating parent.
The children become an advocate for the alienating parent by becoming the spokesperson for their parent's hatred. They become the soldiers while the alienating parent is the sergeant, directing the action in the background against the targeted parent. The children are frequently unaware of how they are being used.
I am proposing a definition of Parental Alienation (PA) that focuses more on the parent's behavior and less on the child's role in degrading the victimized parent because alienation can occur well before the parent's hatred permeates the child's beliefs about the victimized parent. This definition is necessary if parents are going to recognize the risk they have for unconsciously falling into a pattern of alienation if they don't take corrective action. By the time the children have come to agree with the alienating parent propaganda, it can be too late to prevent the significant damaging effects of the alienation.
Also, my definition includes that criticism of the other parent may unjustified and/or exaggerated. One parent can alienate the children against the other simply by harping on faults that are real and provable. Divorced parents need to understand that their children need to love both parents, even if they themselves have years ago ceased to love their ex-spouse. They should help the children to dwell on the other parent's good points rather than the faults.
It is important to keep in mind that that alienation is not about "bad guy," versus the targeted parent, or "good guy." These roles rotate. The same parent can be both the alienator and the victim, depending on how he or she is behaving. It is not uncommon for a targeted parent to retaliate with alienating behavior against the other parent. At this point, the parents have reversed their roles. This process can occur well before PA manifest itself. The problem now is that the alienation escalates back and forth, each parent retaliating against the other. It is this vicious cycle that must be prevented or stopped.
You can't assume that the targeted parent is without fault. Targeted parents can become alienators when they retaliate because of their hurt. Now they are in the role of the alienator and the other parent becomes the victim. The roles become blurred because it's now difficult to know who is the alienator and who is the victim or targeted parent. Often both parents feel victimized. Alienation is a process, not a person.
Understanding parental alienation syndrome is paramount for a child's welfare and a parent's own peace of mind. Divorced parents, grandparents, judges, mediators, attorneys, and mental health workers all need to understand the dynamics of parental alienation, recognize the symptomatic behavior, and execute tactics for combating the malady.
To prevent the devastating effects of Parental Alienation, you must begin by recognizing the symptoms of PA. You will notice that many of the symptoms or behaviors focus on the parent. When the child exhibits loss or hatred toward the targeted parent, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome.
Parental alienation varies in the degree of severity, as seen in the behaviors and attitudes of both the parents and the children. The severity can be of such little consequence as a parent occasionally calling the other parent a derogatory name; or it could be as overwhelming as the parent's campaign of consciously destroying the children's relationship with the other parent. Most children are able to brush off a parent's offhand comment about the other parent that is made in frustration. On the other hand, children may not be able to resist a parent's persistent campaign of hatred and alienation.
Preventing or stopping alienation must begin with learning how to recognize the three types of alienators because the symptoms and strategies for combating each are different.
Na�ve alienators are parents who are passive about the children's relationship with the other parent but will occasionally do or say something to alienate. All parents will occasionally be na�ve alienators.
Active alienators also know better than to alienate, but their intense hurt or anger causes them to impulsively lose control over their behavior or what they say. Later, they may feel very guilty about how they behaved.
Obsessed alienators have a fervent cause, to destroy the targeted parent. Frequently a parent can be a blend between two types of alienators, usually a combination between the na�ve and active alienator. Rarely does the obsessed alienator have enough self-control or insight to blend with the other types.
The most difficult of the three, is The Obsessed Alienator.
The obsessed alienator is a parent, or sometimes a grandparent, with a cause: to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children's personalities and beliefs into their own. This is a process that takes time but one that the children, especially the young, are completely helpless to see and combat. It usually begins well before the divorce is final. The obsessed parent is angry, bitter or feels betrayed by the other parent. The problem occurs when the feelings won't heal but instead become more intense because of being forced to continue the relationship with a person they despise because of their common parenthood. Just having to see or talk to the other parent is a reminder of the past and triggers the hate. They are trapped with nowhere to go and heal.
The characteristics of obsessed alienators are:
� They are obsessed with destroying the children's relationship with the targeted parent.
� They having succeeded in enmeshing the children's personalities and beliefs about the other parent with their own.
� The children will parrot the obsessed alienator rather than express their own feelings from personal experience with the other parent.
� The targeted parent and often the children cannot tell you the reasons for their feelings.
� Their beliefs sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. No one, especially the court, can convince obsessed alienators that they are wrong. Anyone who tries is the enemy.
� They will often seek support from family members, quasi-political groups or friends that will share in their beliefs that they are victimized by the other parent and the system. The battle becomes "us against them." The obsessed alienator's supporters are often seen at the court hearings.
� They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that the targeted parent has victimized them and whatever they do to protect the children is justified.
� They have a desire for the court to punish the other parent with court orders that would interfere or block the targeted parent from seeing the children. This confirms in the obsessed alienator's mind that he or she was right all the time.
� The court's authority does not intimidate them.
� The obsessed alienator believes in a higher cause, protecting the children at all cost.
� The obsessed alienator will probably not want to read what is on these pages because the content just makes them angrier.
There are no effective treatments for either the obsessed alienator or the children. The courts and mental health professionals are helpless. The only hope for these children is early identification of the symptoms and prevention. After the alienation is entrenched and the children become "true believers" in the parent's cause, the children are lost to the other parent for years to come. I realize this is a sad statement, but I have yet to find an effective intervention, by anyone, including the courts that can rehabilitate the alienating parent and child.
Copyright 2002 Peggy Penny
11:27 a.m. - 2002-10-09
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