Hi Everyone. How you doing tonight?
I can't stand it, I can't stand it anymore. I need some adult time. I feel like everyone else is stupider than me and that can't be.
I'm Learning to conjugate joke writing. Be patient.
I know how to speak well in public and be funny. Just cuz nobody else tells me I'm funny in my life at home, doesn't mean they are correct. That's my low self esteem I don't discuss on public access. Har! Who does that? Insults themselves in public?
What is happening to our world?
Deductive reasoning. How's your philosophy ladies and gentlemen?
Deductive reasoning is what is happen here in our Country.
In case you don't know exactly what deductive means;
that means we don't got nice things anymore.
Table manners. Families don't even have dinner tables. Women don't have time to cook and eat all day while taking care of children or else they'll be fat. Women keep complaining about how it's hard to loss weight and how they need to diet all the time.
A woman's body is literally designed to be fat. She's the petri dish that has babies.
I have never had a man complain about my being fat in bed. Not once has a man thrown me out of bed. They are all horny. Even gay men like sex.
Even some women.
(pause)
I love men, but I thought about being gay once.
And then I saw an episode of "Sex and The City" that told me that being gay for a woman meant that she would "go down" on another woman.
I didn't know that. I don't watch porn.
I like my steak well done...
I don't know. I feel like everyone is stupider than me and that can't be.
I know cuz this rhymes.
I live in Southern California, you know, the lynch pin for civil unrest and political correctness at the same time...
Don't be afraid of me now. I'm not law enforcement.
What I mean is that we have everything here in Southern California.
We have fruits... vegetables...
homeless...
and
Section 8, Section 401(c) (3)'s and 401k's
I'm confused how I can possibly be
smarter than the state of California even let alone other people;
How can this be?
I'm not smarter than anyone in this room.
(Peggy looks at a man in audience and starts laughing)
I read his mind. Sir, it only cost $6 dollars for a bottle of hair dye.
I was born in Hollywood, California. My father was racing my mother to the LA hospital and they had to pull over so my Dad could deliver me. They pulled over in Hollywood.
Hollywood, The American mecca of multi media is located in Southern California.
Home to the best porn in the world. And men... You can't change your masbaitory habits.
Hollywood. Where women shutter cry, go wild, girls gone wild. And men thinking nothing is natural anymore.
See here.
I love men.
See this wrinkle and sag? It's not real.
In California, the number 1 Industry is agriculture and the 2nd is Entertainment.
That means that women eat food. Okay?
I have two homes in California. What a pain in the ass. I don't own either of them.
I work my ass off and now nobody likes me anymore because I don't need anyone's help.
It's Politically correct to ask for 'help'. But, I'm not Political. Does anyone here know the difference between being a Socialist and being a Sociologist? I'm the later. That's another fancy way of saying...
I'm a Science Tist ! Tist, not "Tisk."
A Sociologist cannot be Political because then we would be "bi-ass."
Well, my girlfriend ask me how I can be experienced in Hollywood and not be biased.
And now we're Lovers.
She taught me that I can't read your mind. I'm just a comic. I'm sorry about being a comic this evening, but I'll be happy to sing you a world peace song before I leave.
My girlfriend reads people's minds for a living and she asks me all the time who I'd like to speak to, in any city, alive or dead.
I tell here how about the lost city of Atlantis.
She gets mad at me.
I tell here, how about here and now and you, then?
She says I'm close minded.
So, I had to break up with her.
Like I said I love men.
But I can see you are confused because I had a girlfriend.
I'm bi-sexual rather than bi-ass.
Why do men always complain that women nag them?
Men nag!
(pause)
"I want a blow job. I want a blow job..."
Okay, the truth.
Screw it. I don't even have a girlfriend. I'm nagging. I'm complaining!
I hang out with myself. But, I change it up every night.
Because I can change my masbaitory habit.
That's not the same as being bi sexual, okay?
(pause)
I'm on a break. (Peggy slips some beer.)
I finally made it to Amsterdam. Damn!
Everyone smoking pot like ciggy butts, having sex in public right in front of me.
If I had known this, I wouldn't have left home.
My sister, she travels the world. I mean, she travels the world !
She's married to a Jewish Gynocologist too. And that's not a joke, that's true.
How does that work out on Hannikah?
(pause)
I'm afraid to ask her.
I saw her in a two piece bathing suit when I was a kid, we shared a room when we were little girls.
But, Gynocology by candle light?
You hear me ladies? I'm confused.
I don't do Religion or Politics, by the way. I'm truly non biased about all people.
(pause)
I don't want to know what they do behind closed doors.
I don't want to know how to be a biased racist either.
I want to be a world peace singer.
Anybody ever see that on my web site?
Everybody laughed at me years ago.
(pause)
So, I become comic.
(pause)
Has anyone seen the fake news lately?
I was right the first time.
I am a world peace singer and I'll prove it to you.
Fake news, real news, fake new, real news. What's true anymore?
Let me give us all some peace tonight.
If real news was the color red...
and fake news is the color of yellow caution...
On the color chart I learn when I was 4...
It adds up, 1+1, It mixes up to be the color Orange.
Orange is a color.
You know, the middle, in between the two colors.
Mixed together....
It's a whole color unto it'self.
There is "Real News" that is what happen lately and is new.
There is "Fake News" that's fiction or history depending on if you live in
Southern California.
Orange is a real color just like red and yellow are real colors and that means that there is a middle understanding between red and yellow.
Let's just make up a new word for this in between concept.
Moderate News. Okay everybody?
How hard was that?
Stop fighting. Let's live in moderate time.
5:18 p.m. - 2020-03-01